Seven's Brain

My Top 10 Thrifting Tips and Tricks

2009-02-05T17:07:00.004+01:00

In the midst of a worsening recession, a lot of people are looking for new jobs. Some are switching industries or trying to "move up" to better-paying, more-stable gigs that offer benefits. So what do you do when you have a closetful of too-casual workwear and an upcoming job interview at Big Corporate Company? You could plunk down $40.00 or more for an outfit from Chez Target or, if you really want to go all-out, plunk down over $100.00 for an outfit from your local mall.

But what if you have, say $20 and a couple of hours to kill?

Get thee to a Goodwill or similar and prepare to put in a couple of well-worth-it hours hunting for treasures. I've been at it for years and, in the spirit of solidarity, I offer the following tips and tricks to the ranks of displaced mall-shoppers who may find the world o' thrifting completely bewildering and/or "like, totally icky."

1. Get over your squeamishness. Seriously. Hands and clothing can be washed. Unless there are CDC workers roaming the aisles of Goodwill in HAZMAT suits, you have nothing to worry about. That said, I never buy the following items secondhand: underwear, bathing suits, socks, workout wear or anything that can't be thoroughly laundered or dry-cleaned. This includes hats and purses. Purses, in particular, can carry loads and loads of microscopic creepy-crawlies.

2. Take your time. Clothing is usually organized by type and size, and perhaps roughly by style, but you're going to have to look more carefully than you would in a retail store.

3. Thrift stores in more affluent areas tend to have a greater selection of name-brand women's clothing in small sizes (we're talking ridonkulously small sizes. Double-zero? Seriously? Maybe Andy Warhol was right).

4. Do. Not. Buy. It. Just. Because. It's Cheap. Dropping $50.00 on a pile of clothing that "almost fits" or that you'll "find somewhere to wear" isn't worth it. Be picky. Be critical. Buy things that are well-made and fit not only your body but your wardrobe and lifestyle.

5. If you're long and lean, thrift stores aren't the best places to find close-fitting t-shirts. Repeated washings tend to make t-shirts shrink up and stretch out. If you're petite and curvy, however, this will work to your advantage.

6. Go ahead and be a name-brand snob! A $5.00 Xhilaration top at Goodwill isn't as good a deal as a $6.00 top by, say, Ann Taylor Loft. The latter is usually better-made and will last longer.

7. Clothing that fits well always looks to be of better quality. Unless you really will have an item altered (and can do so at a price that doesn't break your budget) skip it. Small fitting annoyances become big fitting annoyances of the sort that relegate an item to back-of-the-closet, I'll-have-it-altered-someday oblivion.

8. Here's a tip that will cut your shopping time dramatically. Know your size and your proportions, and develop a couple of measuring tricks to "pre-screen" an item before you bother trying it on. I have trouble finding things that fit me under the arms. When in doubt, I measure along an item's underarm seam with my hand. If the distance is greater than the distance between the tip of my middle finger and tip of my thumb, I know the thing won't fit. Even if it fits everywhere else, that's a pain-in-the-neck area to have altered. For me, it's not worth it.

9. In that spirit, be realistic about alterations. Hemming can be done inexpensively, but altering, say, the shoulders of a blazer? Not so much.

10. Do allow yourself to be a little bit adventurous. A great-fitting item in a flattering cut and color is a good deal if it allows you to add a bit of fun to your wardrobe (provided, of course, that you get down with your adventurous self and actually wear the thing). Okay, so you've never worn a halter top, but if it looks amazing on you, is a color that brightens your day and is a measly five bucks, then go for it, sister!

Additional tips and feedback are always welcome.

YES WE DID!!!

2008-11-05T15:51:00.003+01:00

There's an amazing feeling of unity and possibility coursing through the United States of America right now. For the first time in years, people are filled with hope. There's definitely a lot of work to be done; there are two wars on, and we're facing a huge financial crisis, but like so many people, I can't help feeling that because we could do this, we can do anything.

I completely overwhelmed. I just don't have any more words right now.

German Two-Way Prepositions

2008-09-25T16:00:00.004+01:00

This video, which appears to be a class project of some sort, made me laugh out loud. It's delightfully dorky and taught me some grammar. Win!

Verbs Past, Present and Future

2008-09-05T17:42:00.004+01:00

No matter what some people say about the joys of "living in the moment" one still can't get by in this world without being able to discuss things that happened in the past, could happen in the future, or might happen if certain conditions are met. Being a native English speaker, I've got a fairly good handle on saying things like "I had some awesome beer in Bavaria" and "I could soooo eat a giant plate of hot wings right now.*"

Since my study of the German language has been largely catch-as-catch-can, I've missed out on a lot of the basics of the grammar. I understand a lot of the German that I read and a bit less of what I hear, but as it turns out, producing grammatical sentences is going to require a lot more work on my part. Speaking as the grown-up version of that one weird kid in your English class who actually liked diagramming sentences, I say bring it on.

The German course I'm taking right now is great. The software's full of multimedia goodness and interactivity. The emphasis seems to be on virtual immersion. There are almost no grammar drills. Since my goal in taking the course is not merely to pass, but to dramatically improve my fluency, I've been hunting around for resources.

My current favorite is this Vocabulix site. It offers verb conjugation drills in English, Spanish and German. It's quick, user-friendly and has actually helped me install the future tense of the verb werden (to become) into my brain in the last 48 hours. Seriously. Three days ago, I couldn't have told you in German that I will become a ninja. Now, I totally can!

Ich werde ein Ninja werden**!

* Mmmmmm . . . hot wings.
** You know, in case I get tired of linguistics or need a career to fall back on.

Gremple: Systematizing German Verb Conjugation

2008-09-03T16:44:00.007+01:00

My German grammar skillz. Let me improve them.

This site, Gremple should help me do just that (at least when it comes to conjugating verbs). From the site:

"Gremple is a German verb conjugation tool. Its purpose to help non-native speakers to learn to conjugate German verbs. The idea underlying Gremple is to develop a precise description of German verb conjugation, with a minimum of data stored for each verb, and as much of the work of conjugation as reasonably possible transferred into a system of rules. This aids learning because it is easier to understand a system of rules, particularly where their underlying motivation is reasonably apparent, than to memorise a large quantity of apparently disordered (and therefore meaningless) data."

Enter a German verb and click "Konjugieren" (conjugate) or "Show How." The former gives you the same sort of verb-conjugation table that can be found at lots of other sites. The latter? Well, that's where it gets interesting.

Here's the "Show How" for the verb sein (to be). The verb and its conjugations are broken down into their component parts (stem, ending, irregular ending, etc.).

There went the rest of my morning.

Lemon Pasta, Potatoes and Cannellini: Adventures in Garlicky Goodness

2008-08-04T21:09:00.004+01:00

This weekend I made penne with lemon, potatoes and cannellini. It turned out very well, though I made a few adjustments to the recipe:

I couldn't find vegetable bouillon, so I skipped that. Since I had several containers of low-sodium organic chicken broth on hand, I used some of that instead of the called-for vegetable broth. I probably also went a little nuts with the spinach. Lastly, I learned that "mince" isn't the same as "very finely chopped". My husband suggested that there shouldn't be discernable chunklets of garlic in this dish. I don't know that I agree with that. Love me, love me after I've eaten lots of tasty garlicky goodness, right? Right? Honey?

This was my first foray into the world of garlic sauteeing, and it really was fun. I stood over my pan of spiced olive oil, dumped in my painstakingly almost-minced garlic and felt fairly proud of my handiwork. That it had taken me a solid half hour to skin, chop, mince, de-bone, whatever three cloves of garlic didn't faze me. Stir. Gloat. Stir.

I've still got lots of spinach and about a pound of little golden potatoes left over. Eggs, feta, I'm looking at you. Come to me, omelette-y goodness.

Ausflippen und Das Jupiterprojekt

2008-07-09T15:34:00.004+01:00

New words are fun, and my favorite new fun word is ausflippen*.

From Langenscheidt's German-English Dictionary (thank you, Google Books):

"'ausflippen v/i (sep, -ge-, sn) F a) freak out, b) flip one's lid."

Ausflippen sounds as if an English-speaker made it up as a joke. It's exactly what I'd have come up with if I were trying to say "flip out" in German and didn't know the word for it**. In my never-ending efforts to lovingly poke fun at my husband, I've come up with similar constructions over the years such as "I have your ass ge-kicked (at Tetrinet)" or "That got totally up-ge-messed***."

I ran across this word last night while perusing my pocket dictionary. I picked up the book intending to look up "gern", "waehrend" and a word which I think means "airlock" but which wasn't in the dictionary. As usual, I got sidetracked, reading through column after column, watching words morph into other words through the addition of various affixes.

The reason I'd been looking up the-word-that-I-think-meant-airlock, by the way, is that I'm reading Das Jupiterprojekt (The Jupiter Project. My husband read this when he was a kid. The cover of our copy is all old-school sci-fi, complete with a space station that looks like a tin can with a rocket motor in one end. How could I not read it?

Usually, I read a book in English first, then tackle it in German (I've yet to finish a German edition of anything, by the way. The older I get, the less free time I have for fun reading). This time, I'm reading the German edition first. Tempted as I was to read the summary on the page linked above, I refrained. It'll be fun to read the English version and find out how far off-base I was (or, more optimistically, that my German is better than I thought).

*Still not quite as funny as ausfahrt.
**and was trying to be funny
***Oh all right, we rarely say "messed", but this is a family show

Sugar Sugar

2008-06-30T16:49:00.003+01:00

Dear god, Splenda tastes terrible in coffee.

McCain on Energy?

2008-06-24T16:33:00.008+01:00

"McCain Touts Plans to Fuel U.S. Energy Needs

From the article:

"In Fresno, McCain said his plan is a new and innovative attempt to address the energy issues confronting Americans. "Whether it takes a meeting with automakers during my first month in office, or my signature on an act of Congress, we will meet the goal of a swift conversion of American vehicles away from oil," he said.

He called for "Clean Car Challenge" tax credits for low-emissions cars, including a $5,000 tax credit for zero-emission cars and lesser credits for other lower-emissions vehicles. He also proposed a $300 million prize for "the development of a battery package that has the size, capacity, cost and power to leapfrog the commercially available plug-in hybrids and electric cars."

Sweet! A Republican who thinks outside the oil drum!

The Tesla cars, which McCain praised as the model of energy efficiency, carry a price tag of nearly $100,000, but "in the 1980s, the cost of a cell phone was as
much as a thousand dollars," he said. "I see this as the future of automotive
technology in America ... it clearly has numerous environmental impacts with
regard to reduction of greenhouse gas emissions."

Oh crapness. Just when I was getting all excited about the possibility that the Republican candidate had ideas for positive environmental and economic change, McCain dashed my hopes by comparing apples to oranges. Well, my hopes might not be entirely dashed, but if he thinks the development of cell phone technology (and the rate at which it went from being astronomically expensive to very affordable for millions of Americans) is comparable to the rate of development of affordable cars that run on something besides oil, then how well-thought-out are his ideas about the environment?

Remembering something I'd heard on a History Channel program about personal computers, I threw together some search terms and found a Wikipedia article about Moore's Law. This law states that that the number of transistors that Science can cram onto an integrated circuit doubles approximately every 18 months without an increase in cost.

I'm not an engineer, still, I had the feeling that McCain's comparison was flawed. If that was the case, I thought, then how practical are his ideas for green technologies that average citizens might one day be able to afford? I Googled "Moore's Law"+automobiles and found an interesting essay on Moore's Law and Communications by Martin E. Hellman, Professor Emeritus of Electrical Engineering at Stanford. Apparantly, Moore's Law doesn't apply to automobiles, at least not according to Professor Hellman:

"To put Moore’s Law in perspective, imagine it applied to automobiles. The
typical car that costs approximately $20,000 today would have cost $200,000 five
years ago and been limited almost like corporate jets to high level management
and very wealthy individuals. Twenty years ago, cars would have cost $200
million and been as rare as rocket launches into outer space. Conversely,
looking just ten years into the future, cars would cost $200. Body shops and
auto repair facilities would go out of business, with great economic
dislocations, both positive and negative."

That makes sense. It also makes sense that a presidential candidate would go to California and preach a clean, green tomorrow while standing in front of a bunch of $100,000 sports cars, allaying any fears that these types of vehicles are impractical by mentioning that cell phones have gotten much less expensive in the past 20 years. Photo op!

By the way, my apologies for the crap formatting within most of the block quotes. No idea what went wrong there.

Badass Custom Decals

2008-06-20T18:33:00.004+01:00

I've been eyeing some of the wall decor at Blix for awhile, but Etsy carries graphics by a wider variety of artists. Badass Custom Decals. offers these (among others) which are, as the name of the shop asserts, badass.

A Change of Pace

2008-06-12T16:58:00.007+01:00

As the tagline implies, this blog is dedicated to whatever happens to be on my mind when I feel like making a post. Though this has not heretofore been evident in the content of this blog, I do have more on my mind than food and language. The upcoming election has drawn me out of my safe little shell of posts aobut food and random DIY projects and into the real of posts about things that really do matter to me.

It would be easy to jump on the Obama bandwagon and not look back. I could vote for him just because he's a liberal and hey, I'm a liberal too! Awesome! Pass me a beer, I'll see you guys in November! That, however, wouldn't be responsible or satisfying.

In the coming months, I'll continue to read up on the issues that interest me and begin to post my findings here. For the most part, it will be newsfilter, links-to-informed-opinions-filter and, yes, the odd post about weird German candy. As I continue to transition from a voting decision based on gut feeling to one based on facts and reflection, I'll post my own takes on specific issues (with the caveat that I'm not even close to an expert on the economy, health care or any other Big Election Year Issue).

Feedback, links, citations and political discourse are welcome.

Want.

2008-06-10T22:42:00.002+01:00

Haribo Forever Fun are little gummi fruit-yogurt-thingies which I Can't. Stop. Eating.

My husband isn't too thrilled with them, which is surprising since he loves Haribo's gummi bears. One of my co-workers thinks the Forever Fun things "taste like the mall" by which I think she meant "taste like the mall smells." In a flash of whatsit, I realized she was right. The near-empty open bag of Forever Fun gummies is indeed exuding that perfumey, fruity, sweet-shop-at-the-mall sort of smell. Damn. I'm eating an icon of consumerism. And I want more. How appropriate.

Fck Vwls

2008-06-06T20:37:00.003+01:00

Fck Vwls

Rock That Bath Mat

2008-05-15T18:23:00.007+01:00

A few weeks ago, I toured a model home whose contents were enviably tasteful, homey and sleek. Among the items I coveted was a bath mat made of polished river rock.

My first thought was "Those probably run about fifty bucks a pop." (I was right). My very next thought was "I could make one of those for far less money."

Finding suitable stones seems easy enough. Most big-box retailers which sell items for the home sell bags of polished stones as vase fillers. IKEA has them for about a dollar a bag. Granted, I may have to buy loads of them to find compatibly-shaped rocks.

Adhesive and backing are another matter. The backing has to be absorbant, but able to dry quickly (mildew on my river rocks would not add to the "natural" feel in a particularly positive way). The adhesive has to be very strong, and able to withstand direct moisture and humidity. I'm guessing hot glue is right out. Maybe I need some kind of epoxy?

While it might be simpler and safer to simply pony up the dough and buy the bathmat, I just can't do it. Fifty-eight dollars for a bath mat?

Hello, Kitty?

2008-04-08T22:32:00.000+01:00

One of the major problems with the Web is that it allows you to more or less Google your own brain. You can grab onto the smallest piece of an idea and, after a quick search or two, tap into a huge pile of knowledge you didn't even know existed. Having crammed that knowledge into your brain, you begin to get ideas. For example, I randomly Googled "Hello Kitty" awhile back, and turned up Hello Kitty Hell. After reading a few posts, I realized that my inner five-year-old was all "OOOOOOOoooooooooooooo, that's cuuuuuuuuuuuute!"

Oddly, my actual five-year-old self wasn't into Hello Kitty. At five, I probably would have thought Hello Kitty was "babyish." Also, how would you "play" Hello Kitty? You could maybe brush your teeth with a Hello Kitty toothbrush or something, but if it couldn't be built, invented, adorned with paint and glitter or in some way "improved" by the addition of cardboard, I was pretty much out. Basically, I missed the whole Hello Kitty Experience.

While I can't see giving our guest bathroom a Hello Kitty makeover, I can totally see some Post-It notes shaped like Hello Kitty's ginormous head. Earlier this week, I checked Amazon, Target and even Sanrio's website. Fail. Either the product doesn't exist, or my Google-Fu is lacking in Fu-ishness (or Googleosity. Or something).

I thought the backbone of the Hello Kitty merchandising phenomenon was stationery. No Post-It's? Fail, fail fail, Kitty!

Maybe I should just break down and buy a Hello Kitty laptop instead. Then I could send the cuuuutest e-mails EVAR instead of leaving notes.

Political Expression (and Equation)

2008-04-08T16:40:00.005+01:00

The equation

[charismatic person] + [good public speaker] = HITLER

Has officially been overused by individuals represented by the expression:

[Person who doesn't like Obama] - [well-constructed argument based on fact].

Because hey, why put in all that time and effort learning stuff about candidates when there's Godwinned snark just begging to be shared? No one really wants to discuss politics anyway. It's impolite. Diffuse that tension with a joke so we can all get back to talking about Britney.

Random Linkage

2008-01-27T06:14:00.000+01:00

It's time for some random linkage!

You want to know more about Lederhosen, you say? But you can't be arsed to go all the way to Bavaria (or even Wisconsin)? Look no further than the Virtual Lederhosen Museum

In the mood for something a bit more English-y? And Transylvania-y? And animated? Take a trip down memory lane to Castle Duckula (In German as well, if you like).

Since it's the weekend, maybe you (unlike me) plan to actually get something done around the house. Maybe you want a new piece of furniture. Maybe you feel like buildling it yourself, but not necessarily according to plan. Ikea Hacker can hook you up (or at least inspire you).

And finally, this guy is in hell. Poor bastard.

Hallo, Welt.

2008-01-11T22:43:00.000+01:00

Glueckliches Neujahr, alles!

(Es ist nur ein bisschen spaet!)

Fashion Emergency!

2007-10-22T18:33:00.001+01:00

It is winter! Sort of! And on this fine Monday morning, static stopped me.

Damn you, static cling! Here I am trying to be all chic and wintery with the matching and the tights and the complete absence of any item of clothing with a cartoon monkey on it, and you rain all over my fashion parade with your electrical charge. Fortunately, a co-worker had a handy solution in the form of a ginormous can of aerosol hairspray. It smells a lot better than Static-Guard, and works really well when applied directly to staticky tights.

This morning's battle with static cling made me realize that, as a Busy Professional On The Go(TM) I should probably have some sort of wardrobe emergency kit in my office. Like any good nerd in need of information, I Googled "wardrobe emergency kit" for ideas that went beyond anti-static spray and a lint roller. I found loads of articles with a range of ideas. This article from MSN's Lifestyle section mentioned a "cashmere wrap" and a clutch purse on its list of "Hard-Hitting Fashion Extras." More sensible items like a sewing kit were listed under "Quick Fashion Fixes." The wrap was suggested for those days when the temperature in the office drops below freezing. While I'm sure that would look all kinds of chic, I don't want to take time out of my work-day every seventy-three seconds to readjust my swanky cashmere wrap. Also, I do not want to be That Girl Who Swanks Around In A Swanky Cashmere Wrap Which is Always Falling Off, God, Why Doesn't She Just Wear a Cardigan Like a Normal Person?

Other items suggested by most of these articles include tiny safety pins (WIN!), a sewing kit (STAPLER!) and the aforementioned lint roller and static guard (CATS! WINTER WEATHER!).

I can really see someone going overboard with this concept. Somewhere (probably in New York) there must be a woman with a job straight out of chick-lit* whose desk drawers are crammed with fixes for every possible fashion emergency. I imagine her to be some sort of fashion emergency office ninja, ambushing linty, coffee-stained co-workers on their way to the break room and making them over in five minutes or less. Hell, that could be her entire job description. She could be Chief Executive In Charge of Lint Roller Acquisition and Coffee Stain Removal. Swanky.

* Fashion magazine editor, handbag designer, PR agent for hand-bag-designing, magazine-editing firm, etc.

OFF!

2007-10-18T21:39:00.001+01:00

Perfume that smells like bug spray: bad.

Very very strong perfume that smells like very very smelly bug spray: worse.

Very very strong perfume that smells like very very smelly bug spray applied liberally to the person of the individual standing next to me in an elevator: badly worstest.

Scurvy Dogs

2007-09-19T17:38:00.000+01:00

Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day, ye scurvy dogs!

"Scurvy" isn't a word I heard very often growing up. When I did hear it, it was often being used in a ye-scurvy-dogs sort of way. As a result, I assumed the word was merely an insulting adjective and carried on drinking large amounts of orange juice, blissfully unaware of the life-saving properties of my favorite beverage. To this day the phrase, "ye scurvey dogs!" brings to mind images of mangy-looking seafaring canines, rather than vitamin-deficient pirates.

Do You Speak English?

2007-09-17T20:43:00.001+01:00

I don't speak English either.

I love that video, though I can't help feeling that Eric Idle should be involved in some way.

I Wanna Hold Your Hand - In India(?)

2007-09-15T07:26:00.001+01:00

I suppose turnabout is fair play. The Beatles did spend some time in India.

Who Wrote Your Childhood Favorites?

2007-09-08T06:58:00.000+01:00

If your favorite author doesn't appear in my poll, please add him or her to the comments. Double plus good if you include book titles, etc.

Madeleine L'Engle

2007-09-08T06:27:00.000+01:00

Madeleine L'Engle, November 29, 1918 - September 6, 2007

She wrote stories featuring smart female protagonists when that just "wasn't done." She wove brilliant tapestries of ideas from the simplest, cleanest turns of phrase. Some of the stories she wrote involved interplanetary travel, time travel, evil incarnate, billion-year-old beings (who once were stars), religion, love and physics--but the stories never fell apart.

Like many people, my experience with her work is limited to the Time quartet and one or two of her other novels. Until I read about her death, I had no idea she had written so many things. As it is, I'm already building a reading list in my head.

I could post "Patrick's Rune," but I won't. If you'd like to read it, it's in this MetaFilter thread (which is itself worth the read).

Keepsake

2007-09-06T22:23:00.000+01:00

Keepsake! Can I tell you about Keepsake? The environments are beautiful, the puzzles entirely logic-based, the storyline (thusfar) devoid of scenes involving blood, guts, gore or nuclear armaments of any sort. It's my kind of game. The environments--both visual and auditory--are nicely detailed. I'm hooked. I bought the game on Monday night and spent four straight hours playing it. It's fun and engaging. It may just change my mind about computer games.

The only thing I don't like about this game is the acting. It's just really amazingly bad. You're probably thinking, "Well, it's a computer game, what were you expecting?" Yes, gentle readers, but this is industrial-grade, heavy-duty Bad Acting.

As far as I can tell, all of the characters in this small cast are voiced by only two voice actors (one male, one female). Though they've obviously tried to make the various voices sound different from one another, they weren't very successful. Particularly groan-inducing are the sepia-toned "visions" endured by the main character (and hence, by me).

The first of these was so bad, I laughed out loud. Imagine a female William Shatner doing the voices for two computer-animated, sepia-toned little girls who are parting ways for what they know will be a very long time. Imagine tinkly music, a gentle breeze and lots of big-eyed, sad-kidness.

Acting aside, it's a highly enjoyable game. I get a total newbie kick out of just wandering around the castle thinking "Look at that floor! That floor is fantastic! I wish IKEA sold that in snap-lock laminate, I'd totally put some in our kitchen!" Visitors to our kitchen could then say "Your kitchen floor is reminiscent of a virtual, dragon-themed magic school." and I could say, "Well that's the idea. You should see the bathroom."

But I digress.

Over the last four days, I have spent at least seven hours completely nerding out with this game. My husband has wandered in periodically to remind me that there is a world outside my workstation, and to rejoice that I'm finally doing something with my computer besides word-processing. He's highly supportive of this whole endeavor.

After I finish Keepsake, I plan to give Dreamfall: The Longest Journay a try. I've read that the story is very well-written, and am hopeful that this means that the acting will be better as well.

What computer games (if any) are you guys into? Any recommendations for good adventure games?

Poll: Best Musical Retalliation?

2007-08-24T18:30:00.001+01:00

I don't actually need advice on the subject of musical retalliation against obnoxious neighbors; ours are pretty quiet for the most part. Still I'm curious about the ways in which other people have used music as a means of communication with nearby rowdies.

If your genre of choice isn't included in the poll, or if you'd care to elaborate, please do so in the comments section of this entry.

Blueberry Muffins

2007-08-16T18:14:00.001+01:00

Historically, the results of my culinary efforts have ranged from bland and unspectacular to unintentionally on fire. In 1999, I did make a batch of particularly good scones, but I owe that entirely to a good recipe which was easy for a novice like me to follow.

So last night, when I faced off against my kitchen, a short list of mostly organic ingredients and a recipe for blueberry muffins which I'd found online, I did so with a great deal of determination (if not with enough measuring utensils). With careful attention to the recipe, I felt sure I could manage to turn out something edible. The prep work took me twice as long as the recipe allowed. This is probably because I had to hunt down a couple of things at the last minute, and because I obsessively checked and re-checked the recipe approximately every 28.3 seconds.

After about an hour, I pulled a dozen golden-brown, lovely-smelling blueberry muffins from the oven. I had managed--without setting off the smoke alarm even once--to bake something from scratch. This was an event. Even the Ger-Man (who is a fantastic cook) was impressed.

Rather than rest on my laurels or move on immediately to making pumpkin muffins, I'm going to give the blueberry another try. Next time, I'll add some honey (the only sweetener for which the recipe calls is apple sauce). It'd be great to have a sort of "go to" muffin recipe on which I can build--throwing in blueberries, bananas, almonds or whatever else I happen to have on hand. Such a modular approach to cooking puts me in mind of IKEA, except that making muffins doesn't usually require an alan wrench.

LibraryThing

2007-08-15T23:26:00.000+01:00

I'm not one for cluttering up my blog with widgets, thingies, doohickeys and memes but I thought I'd tack one of LibraryThing's widgets to my sidebar. Tempting as it is to fill my online catalog with classics which I've owned for years but never read (which might have boosted my nerd cred, provided I didn't spill the beans about not having read Plato's Republic all the way through--oops. There I go) I've stuck to books I read or am reading because I found them interesting.

LibraryThing allows users to catalog up to 200 books for free. Users can add comments, ratings, tags, dates acquired, read and finished, and even specify the language in which the book is written. Entries may be added by hand, by searching the Library of Congress, Amazon.com or any of a number of other sources.

The virtual packrat in me loves having a web-based way to organize so much data. The cheapskate in me loves that I can catalog up to 200 books for free.

If any of my readers are also on LibraryThing, please feel free to post links to your profiles in the comments.

BANANAPHONE

2007-08-07T04:34:00.001+01:00

Thank god there's an internet. If not for this formidable series of tubes, the only people ever to see this video would probably have been the five other members of this kid's high school AV club. And maybe that Latvian guy from the chess team.

Kidding aside, this is hilarious in a way that I can't quite explain. Maybe it's the puppets. Maybe it's the guns on sticks that protrude from the heads of some of the puppets every few frames. Maybe it's the fact that Puppet-Snape kind of looks like Bert from Sesame Street. Whatever. Watch. Laugh. Devote some bandwidth to something besides . . . whatever you usually devote bandwidth to.*

* I devote bandwidth to brazenly ending sentences with prepositions, then creating footnotes to commemorate the accomplishment. Pedantic nerdity is the reason italics exist.**

** In this blog.

I Cite You! I Cite You Some More!

2007-07-25T23:45:00.000+01:00

My office manager and I had a discussion today about German food. Her experiences with what was presented to her as "German food" have not been pleasant. She said that everything was boiled and nothing had enough spices in it.

"And there was excessive use of saurkraut."

How awesome would it be to run around citing random people for "excessive use of saurkraut"? I'd like a little notepad full of custom-printed tickets specifically for this purpose. I'd like a jaunty little cap and a bag to wear across my shoulder a la Lovely Rita, Meter Maid.

Libertine

2007-07-25T16:48:00.000+01:00

I didn't end up shelling out for the skull-print vest. It seemed a little thin and a lot bright screaming pink with skulls on.

I considered ordering some Libertine things online--particularly the little black dress other bloggers have been raving about--but I didn't think I could trust the sizing, and didn't want to have to bother with returns or exchanges. My instincts proved correct: not only would I have been disappointed by the items I had considered ordering, but I would never have tried the one item which I ended up buying, the "silk bow blouse" pictured at left ($34.99).

The picture makes the blouse look boxy, shortwaisted and . . . bow-y in a Ringling Bros. sort of way. The blouse I saw at the store was another matter. The color was a nice, warm cream. The fit was long, lean and very tailored. The overall effect was very '40's secretary-glam. This would look fantastic with a pencil skirt and maryjane pumps.

As for the other items in the Libertine line, unless you're part of a barbershop quartet, or are channeling Sgt. Pepper*, you'd be better served to look elsewhere for your summer-to-fall wardrobe.

* If you are part of a barbershop quartet or are channelling St. Pepper, for the love of god, post a comment and picture.

Heroes

2007-07-24T19:07:00.001+01:00

He only saved a billion people That's one out of every seven people on the planet. We ought to choose our heroes more carefully than we've been doing in recent years.

This Blog is Rated PG

2007-07-23T23:21:00.000+01:00

Before making this post, I had used the word "fart" four times, the word "death*" twice and the word "hell" once on this blog. These are the words which earned me the PG rating. In the unlikely event that any child is reading this blog, I hope his or her parents are offering appropriate guidance to help him or her digest these words and the controversial, hot-button issues to which they're tied.

You can run any blog through this rating system/meme here.

*When did I mention death? I don't remember writing about death. Hell, I must be losing my mind. Fart.

Erstes Post auf Deutsch (es ist nicht lang, oder sehr interessant, aber es ist auf Deutsch)

2007-07-19T21:58:00.000+01:00

Hallo, alles. Heute, zum ersten Mal, versuche ich ein Post auf Deutsch zu schreiben. Ich habe etwas Hilfe von Babelfish gehabt. Obgleich ich einige Richtlinien der deutschen Grammatik verstehe (na, ich glaube shon!), meine Wortschatz ist nicht groß. Aber, natuerlich kenne ich die wichtigen Woerter das ich im Deutschland haeufig geschprochen habe: "ein Bier, bitte." :)

Rückgespräch und Korrecturen werden immer geschätzt.

Dear Internets: Please feel free to correct my German. :)

* * *
Hello, all. Today, for the first time, I'll try to write a post in German. I had some help from Babelfish. Although I understand a few rules of German Grammar (well, I think so!), my vocabulary isn't big. But naturally I know the important words which I often spoke in Germany: "One beer, please!"

Feedback and corrections would be welcome.

The Irresistible Pull of Argyle . . . And Skulls

2007-07-16T22:35:00.000+01:00

Okay, I was all set to make fun of this sweater--of the entire line Libertine has done for Target. I had all these great, snarky comments planned like "I imagine that the American people are in for a long winter of watching suburban soccer moms run around in these things, pining for the good old days when they were bad-asses, just like Debbie in that Bowling For Soup video."

I wrote an entirely different post on the subject* and then I changed my mind.

I took a longer look at this sweater, and checked out the other items on offer at Target's website. I read a couple of reviews by other bloggers. After awhile, I began to find myself strangely drawn to this stuff, particularly to what I know full well is one ugly-ass sweater vest.

But damn, where would I wear a candy-colored, argyle-and-skull-print sweater vest? It wouldn't fit in with the rest of my clothes. My clothes would huddle together and whisper about The Vest.

BASIC WORK PANTS, GREY: I don't know about this: It's so . . . bright.
BASIC WORK PANTS, OTHER GREY: And skully.
BASIC WORK PANTS, BROWN: Yeah. I'm out. I'm definitely out. I can't see this working at all.

The Ger-Man strolled in, and I showed him the picture of The Ugly-Ass Sweater Vest.

"That's ugly." he said. He stared at it for a moment, and then admitted that it's an interesting, unique piece of clothing.

What is it about the combination of argyle and skulls that's so damned appealing? The colors are horrible. I would probably look silly in it, but I can't dismiss it as simply an ugly-ass sweater vest. I have somehow upgraded the thing to An Interesting, Albeit Ugly-Ass, Sweater Vest.

* Because this is the sort of hard-hitting subject I tackle when not writing about Jonathan Coulton, Polkaboy or Whatever Random News Story Pissed Me Off The Most This Morning.

Reduced Fat Wheat Thins - The Sweetest Thing?

2007-07-11T23:18:00.001+01:00

Ingredients list from Nabisco's website.

"Ingredients: ENRICHED FLOUR (WHEAT FLOUR, NIACIN, REDUCED IRON, THIAMINE MONONITRATE [VITAMIN B1], RIBOFLAVIN [VITAMIN B2], FOLIC ACID), WHOLE GRAIN WHEAT FLOUR, SOYBEAN OIL, SUGAR, DEFATTED WHEAT GERM, CORNSTARCH, HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, CORN SYRUP, SALT, BARLEY MALT SYRUP, LEAVENING (CALCIUM PHOSPHATE, BAKING SODA), MONOGLYCERIDES, SOY LECITHIN (EMULSIFIER), VEGETABLE COLORS (ANNATTO EXTRACT, TURMERIC OLEORESIN), ONION POWDER. " (emphasis added).

There are 3 grams of sugar in each serving. The serving size is 29 grams. How many crackers is that, exactly? How many Americans are familiar enough with grams (apart from "counting fat grams") to know when they've had 29 grams of something?

And why in the name of whole wheat goodness do wheat-based salty snack crackers need to include three kinds of sugar?

The ingredients of which the makers of these snack crackers are most proud--those which they mention on the front of the product--do not include corn syrup. I think they ought to change that. Why not market the corn-syrupy goodness as a "feature"? The front of the box could carry the following type (preferably in large, enthusiastic-looking letters):

"WITH HIGH-FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP!" and "ALSO WITH REGULAR CORN SYRUP!!" and maybe "ALSO WITH SUGAR, IN CASE ALL THAT CORN SYRUP WASN'T MORE THAN SUFFICIENT!!!"

Oldness

2007-07-11T21:51:00.000+01:00

Last night, I actually dreamed about taking a nap. If I start dreaming about wearing double-knit polyester and watching The Price is Right, I may need an Emergency Anti-Aging Intervention.

2007-07-09T16:20:00.001+01:00

On a Monday morning, who doesn't need a bit of cheering up, or at least a five-minute escape from Monday "ness."?

1. The Museum of Online Museums: spend some time wandering around the National Gallery of Art, or check out the Smithsonian Art Museum Weblog.

2. At The Internet Archive, you can find everything from recordings of concerts to those nifty old postwar social conformity "mental hygiene" films from the 1950's.

3. Enchanted Ceiling: Photos of the sky above various places all over the world.

My apologies for the lack of title to this post. For some reason, Blogger won't let me into that field. Weirdness. It is The Post That Would Not Be Titled.

The Lied and Art Song Text Page

2007-06-28T18:01:00.000+01:00

"As someone once remarked to Schubert, 'take us to your Lieder.'"

The Lied and Art Song Texts Site. Lyrics to over 19,000 art songs and Lieder (by many other people in addition to Schubert).

YouTubery - "A Fat Rant"

2007-06-21T20:37:00.000+01:00

The "obesity epidemic" is all over the news these days. Tall, slender female anchors deliver the latest statistics on the American waistline with a look of carefully-crafted, news-anchorly concern. It's people's health about which Big Media really cares, right? That's why there are all these ads for weight-loss products and beauty aids--and pizza and hamburgers and ice cream and candy and . . .

Fear. Consume. Repeat.

Enter Joy Nash. This clever, sassy smart woman tells it like it is in her YouTube video, A Fat Rant. Her video is well-written, the delivery heartfelt and the pacing quick. She never shys away from the word "fat." You won't find any euphemisms in this video. This is a shout-out to everyday people struggling not so much with their weight as with the way they feel about their weight.

Radlershandythingy

2007-06-20T19:31:00.000+01:00

Apparently, there's an Irish version of a Radler called a shandy (or possibly a shanty). It's basically the same, except that instead of German beer they use, I guess, Irish beer.

I've read that shandys are considered girly drinks. Radler, on the other hand, seems to be viewed as a sensible altrnative to a full liter of beer on a hot summer day.

My Inner Seventh Grader

2007-06-08T22:51:00.001+01:00

Even though I know it just means "drive-out" (as in the exit from a parking garage), I still find the German word ausfahrt funny. It sounds like it should be the word for "to fart so loudly and dramatically that your friends insist that you leave the room immediately." Incidentally, the actual German word for "to fart" is furtzen.

Things I Learned In Germany - Part One - Fahrvergnuegen

2007-06-07T16:56:00.000+01:00

After two weeks in Germany, plenty of which was spent on the Autobahn and on various highways and so on, American roadways--full of giant SUV's--put me in mind of Mad Max.

1. We have about 20 different traffic signs in the U.S. My husband went to the trouble of finding and printing a complete packet of German road signs. It was 40 pages long. In addition to street signs and speed limit signs, there are usually two or three warning signs for any given thing (like an upcoming exit or rest stop) to let you know how many meters you have to go before you're there.

2. As a pedestrian, one of my pet peeves is drivers who sneak into the crosswalk while waiting at traffic lights. They're all nice and safe in their vehicle, while I have to walk into the intersection to cross the street. I think it speaks to the American desire to Be There First, even if There is only two yards ahead of Here. In Germany, traffic lights are arranged in such a way that they're only visible to waiting drivers who are safely behind the line, well out of the crosswalk.

3. On the Autobahn, a driver in a BMW will almost always flash their blinker at you, signaling you to get your touristy ass out of the left lane so they can continue on their way at about 200 kph. Once they've passed you, you can get back into the left lane and continue hauling ass at a slightly more reasonable rate of speed (say, 170 kph).

4. How many times have you looked at an 18-wheeler and thought "I bet a car could slide right under that thing." They can. So can bikes. So can people. In Germany, there are guard rails on the sides of all big rigs and large trucks to prevent vehicles and people from being pulled underneath them.

5. Smart Cars! I can't believe I haven't talked about Smart Cars yet. God these things are cool! Not only are they fuel-efficient, they're a lot easier to drive through narrow streets and parallel park in tiny spaces than are regular-sized vehicles. So they look like clown cars. They're smart clown cars.

6. There are a lot more diesel powered vehicles over there, not just big trucks and so on, but regular cars. The great gas mileage makes them a lot cheaper to operate, though I've heard they are more expensive to insure (I don't know whether or not that's true in the U.S.).

7. We saw some pretty colorful vehicles over there. Bright turquise seemed to be a popular color. There were some purple vehicles too. Oddly, all the cabs are a sort of non-outstanding cream color.

8. It takes six months and costs about 900 Euros (about $1,200 USD) to get a driver's license in Germany. Get enough points on that license and it's revoked-for life. Every town we visited had at least two Fahrschule (driving schools). In addition to driving tests and written tests, prospective drivers have to pass medical exams. No wonder they take driving so seriously.

And what do you do while crusing down the Autobahn in a rental car far from your treasured collection of awesome music? You listen to local radio stations and cringe a lot. Next entry: Things I Learned In Germany - Part Two - An Die Musik.

Johnny Vera: Prom Queen

2007-05-16T20:25:00.000+01:00

In Fresno California, a kid named Johnny Vera has just been elected Prom Queen.

What a gutsy girl! She sounds like a really strong, positive person. I'm impressed and heartwarmed.

I found the above-linked article as an FPP on MetaFilter. To read the post and thread, go here.

The Hamburg Complaint Choir

2007-05-09T20:48:00.000+01:00

The Hamburg Complaint Choir

I . . . just. . . Yeah.

What?

I Can't Think of a Title For This Post

2007-04-15T23:18:00.000+01:00

Me: (Eating crepes, remembering eating crepes at the Paris hotel in Vegas) I'm having flashbacks to Vegas.

The Ger-Man: (Grinning, waiting for his crepes, remembering eating crepes in France) I guess my flashbacks are a little more authentic.

* * *
Me: (Looking around the interior of our decrepit but functional vehicle). Someday we'll get you one of those cars with all the . . . doohickeys.

The Ger-Man: You mean like weather stripping?

New Cat Pending

2007-04-03T20:58:00.000+01:00

Last November, we lost our cat, Boris, to pancreatic cancer. His cat-mate, Wednesday, seemed to do all right as onlycat for awhile, but she seemed lonely sometimes. We knew that, at some point, we'd bring another cat into our home. It just took us awhile to feel "ready."

On Sunday, my husband and I headed to a local animal shelter and adopted a ginormous two-year-old stray cat. He clocks in at about 11 pounds, and he's very friendly.

He was also still in possession of his "trouser snake addendums." After some--er--editing, he'll be released to us this afternoon.

Perhaps because he's retained his equipment for so long, he's easily twice Wednesday's size. We're hoping that, after her initial reaction (which will probably be something like, "OMGWTFOTHERCAT!?"), she'll warm up to him and he to her. We're just a bit worried that she'll have a reaction more like, "What the HELL is up with you idiots bringing home all these GIGANTIC-ASS cats!?!?"

Time will tell.

lolcats!

2007-03-20T06:49:00.000+01:00

Blue, this one's for you:

lolfyzikscatness

I won't pretend to know what quantum entanglement is. I do konw that's a kitten.

Mind Your Nooks and Crannies

2007-03-13T20:09:00.000+01:00

Thomas' English Muffins offers a variety with "whole wheat flour" at the top of the ingredients list. Deciding to ignore the presence of the chemicals listed below more readily identifiable things like calcium carbonate, I took another look at the front of the package.

There, in large, proud yellow letters were the words, "HEARTIER NOOKS, HEALTHIER CRANNIES."

What more could you want from a mostly-whole-wheat product?

On Software

2007-02-13T20:52:00.000+01:00

The damn Help File has a help file.

I need more coffee.

Epic Movie

2007-01-29T06:56:00.000+01:00

Once in awhile*, a movie comes along that sounds so stupid, you can't help but go see it. Sometimes, it's worth it. You have a good laugh, and end up with a bunch of hilarious new catch phrases to toss around until they wear completely thin, or until another, even more ridonkulous movie presents itself for your viewing pleasure.

And then there are times like tonight. Tonight, my husband and I invested 90 minutes of our lives and $20.00 of our hard-earned cash on a showing of Epic Movie. It wasn't worth it.

We like weird movies, smart movies, movies with lots of guns. Normally, we don't go in for movies involving fart jokes. In our defense, the fart jokes weren't in the trailer.

What was in the trailer was something that looked like a delightful romp through the last 18 months of American pop culture, sort of a 90-minute Mad TV sketch. I was on board, but my husband took a little coaxing. Throughout the movie, he kept leaning over and saying "You owe me. We're seeing at least two serious R-rated movies for this." By the scene with the pirate rap song, we were up to five serious R-rated movies and I was totally on board with that. if nothing else, Epic Movie made me remember how much I appreciate good movies.

In terms of plot, Epic Movie is basically Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe without the Christian undertones (and with more half-naked fat guys). Four orphans from various movie-spoof universes wind up at Willy Wonka's chocolate factory, where it is revealed that Wonka's candy is so fantabulous because it's got bits of humans in it. Oh, and Wonka himself is a sort of Michael Jackson character.

These four orphans stumble into a wardrobe to escape the evil Wonka and end up in Gnarnia (so spelled for "legal reasons") where they meet Mr. Tumnus, his life-partner Harry Beaver, and Chewbacca**. There are a few funny bits, but they're interspersed with slow-paced sketch comedy that left me waiting for the funny to happen.

The bottom line is this: if you're looking for a stupid movie that's worth twenty bucks, may I suggest Mom and Dad Save the World? Eric Idle is in it. It also has a choir and a death ray.

*Who'm I kidding. "Every couple of months" would probably be more accurate.

**Sort of.

Ah, Geekishness

2007-01-17T06:30:00.000+01:00

I think my favorite quote from this clip in which Rep. David Wu talks Trek to the House, is the bit where he says "Unlike the real Klingons of Star Trek, these Klingons have never fought a battle of their own." Oh, I also enjoyed his reference to "faux Klingons."

I also also enjoy knowing that, had I seen this clip as a 14-year-old Star Trek maniac, I would not have been able to stop talking about it and quoting it for months. Blue and I would have wandered our local mall repeating the words of Wu (the words he spoke regarding Klingons, anyway). We might not have understood it fully, but by Grabthar's Hammer, we would have had it memorized!

Polkaboy!

2007-01-15T07:19:00.000+01:00

Some of ze most beautiful musik in ze vorld is performed by Polkaboy, a 14-piece polka band out of Indianapolis. In addition to standards like "Pennsylvania Polka" and "Beer Barrel Polka", the band covers decidedly non-polka standards such as "My Sharona" and "She Blinded Me With Science."

If you're ever in Indianapolis, check them out at the Ratskeller. They're fantastic live. To tide you over, however, you may purchase their CD's through their website.

Fritos, Tab, Monkeys

2006-12-24T08:08:00.000+01:00

Over at Jonathan Coulton's blog is a link to the results of the "Code Monkey" remix contest. My personal favorite is the one by Kristin Shirts. I love its mellowness, its ukele-ness and its frequent use of the word "monkey." Her version would fit snugly in the Monkey's "big warm fuzzy secret heart," probably next to a picture of a kitten.

SNIFF

2006-12-22T16:15:00.000+01:00

Today I learned that even a half-dose of Tylenol Cold & Flu is a force to be reckoned with. Though I am now attached to the ceiling, I do feel a little bit better. The amount of snot in my noggin seems to be slightly reduced.

And now, some random linkage.

Cats in Sinks

The Shrine to Don Knotts

A Recipe For Welsh Rarebit

Enjoy your Friday, everybody!

Sushi

2006-12-08T23:51:00.000+01:00

My husband and I stood at the sushi buffet, loading up our respective plates with one of just about everything. A little girl, maybe six or eight years old, approached and surveyed the offerings. Figuring she was curious, and maybe grossed-out, I considered telling her that everything there was exceptionally good and suggesting that she give it a try. I held back though. She's not my kid, I reasoned. What if her parents caught her eating raw fish and freaked out?

What I'd mistaken for morbid curiosity turned out to be an appraisal and search for a favorite. When my husband and I moved out of her way a little bit, she got down to business. Picking up a plate, she politely addressed the woman behind the counter.

"Excuse me," she said "do you have any spicy tuna?"

Coolest. Kid. Ever.

Kodachrome

2006-12-08T17:02:00.000+01:00

There are certain things in life which give me a sort of soul-thrill*. Recently added to the list are these* outstanding color photographs of the everyday lives of average Americans during the late 1930's and early 1940's. There was more to this time period than the Dust Bowl. There were the innumerable experiences of the people who lived through it--and the places left behind by the people who did not.

*Link from this post which appeared on MetaFilter yesterday.

The (Potentially) Burning Question

2006-12-02T06:02:00.000+01:00

I loves me some ThinkGeek (shill). My husband loves things that fly. Christmas is fast approaching.

I ordered a tiny RC helicopter from ThinkGeek earlier this week. A link to same, and a subtle hint was sent to me this past weekend by my husband in an e-mail I can only describe as a shill-o-gram. About six hours before the miraculous flying object arrived at my house, an e-mail arrived in my in-box advising me of a product safety recall. Apparently, there's a chance the helicopter can overheat. This, of course, is bad. Remote-controlled flaming objects are not very Christmassy.

My husband was very disappointed. Standing in our living room, staring longlingly at the box in which the (potentially flaming) helicopter was delivered to our home, he asked the crucial question:

"How much fire will it catch?"

A debate followed. Essentially, all of his arguments boiled down to "But I WAAAAANT it!" All my arguments boiled down to "BUT IT MIGHT CATCH FIRE!"

Listen, if geeks are bothered enough by the potential for combustion to willingly hand over such a kickass flying object, that tells you something. These are people who live on Red Bull, monitor radiation and Firefly marathons.

The Ants Are My Friends . . .

2006-12-01T20:57:00.000+01:00

One of the great things about winter is that most of the creepy-crawlies are down for the count. At least, that's what I thought until a couple of weeks ago. Apparently, insects and spiders don't all hop a plane to Cali for the winter, as I'd naiively assumed they did. Instead, the little bastards move indoors.

Oh hell no.

It was a typical Thursday morning about three weeks ago. Maybe that was part of the problem.
I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

It was about twenty after eight. The coffee was hot, the fax machine was minding its own business and the copy machine hadn't done anything evil in at least two days. Everything seemed normal.

And then they came.

The first indication I had that something might be terribly, terribly wrong was a little tickling feeling on the top of my right hand. Figuring it was probably just the end of a piece my of hair, I shook it off without looking at it. A moment or so later, the tickling was back. This time, I took a look.

Something on the back of my hand was moving.

I shook my hand, stood up and (as it seemed the appropriate thing to do) promptly began freaking the hell out. Closer inspection of my desktop revealed that it, my keyboard, my keyboard tray, my mouse and mouse pad were all covered with little black ants.

Snakes and lizards I can handle, but when confronted with an unexpected arthropod, I completely go to pieces. I am a great big sissy. It's not like I'm an expert on tiny critters. For all I knew, these creatures were Terrible Stinging Fire Ants of Doom and Mayhem from the furthest reaches of Uranus.

I wasn't taking any chances.

I did what any logical person would do. I backed away from my desk and called my husband.

"Well that was fast." he said cheerfully, having just dropped me off about twenty minutes earlier.

"Uhm, honey." I said "I have a problem . . . "

"Yes?"

"A--aaaaaants!"

"Huh?"

I described the situation in a calm and scientific manner (well, at least I wasn't screaming).

"Well. Um." he said "I'm already at work . . . What do you want me to do?" He didn't say this at all unkindly. I think if I'd begged him to come kill my ants for me he might have done it, but I knew he had work to do as well, so all I said was,

"Offer suggestions? Talk me down?"

After I hung up, I hovered over my desk, killing ants with a Kleenex for about half a minute before I realized that this wasn't the best way to spend the remainder of my workday. I called my office manager and--again--described the problem in the calmest, most scientific manner. I will not relate the entire conversation, but I will say that the phrase "in a visceral, phobic way" was uttered by me in describing my reaction to the problem. I asked her if she had any Raid she could bring in.

She suggested I keep the ants at bay with Windex, call the building manager and get maintenance down there pronto. She was on her way.

I got out the Windex and got all father-from-My-Big-Fat-Greek-Wedding on those ants. I hovered over my workstation like an enormous hovering Windex-clutching thing, picking off any speck that appeared to be moving. All told, I killed about ten of them. I left them there as evidence, hoping the maintenance people would be able to tell from the carnage where the ants were coming from.

The maintenance guy came to my rescue about an hour later. He prowled the office taking shots at the ants which were--unbeknownst to me until that moment-all over the floor as well. Additionally, the line they made from the outside wall of our conference room right through the rest of the office ran directly under the chair on which I'd been sitting, reading an ancient issue of Time and hiding from The Ants.

Bugger.

By that time, one of my co-workers had arrived. She stayed safely out in the hallway (the office being now full not only of dead ants but also of chemicals). The office manager did venture in, but wasn't keen on sticking around either. She'd been sick for about three weeks with a nasty sinus infection. The last thing she needed to do was spent the day inhaling toxic chemicals.

We did our best, but there is only so much business you can conduct in the hallway outside your office. The ants won, but at great cost to their numbers.

With the winter having settled in for the long haul, we've had no more invasions. We are now able to safely occupy our office space, secure in the knowledge that a cloud of invisible fumes is protecting us from the tiny creatures who might otherwise be basking in the warmth of the copy machine until May.

The Monkey Card Method

2006-11-30T16:09:00.000+01:00

I know people who are absolute geniuses at choosing the perfect greeting card for any occasion. My stepmom sends cards for Halloween and Thanksgiving as well as Christmas and birthdays. My mom sends tender, sweet cards to which she adds her own heartfelt sentiments. My dad's cards are always delightfully crass.

It's my dad's model that I usually follow. I've no patience for the racks and racks of drippy, schmaltzy, insincere cardboard sentiment conveyance devices crowding the aisles of my local Hallmark. None of them have any personality.

I ventured into the greeting card aisles at my local Target last night with the usual trepidation. This time, I was after a get-well card for my mom. There was no section of get-well cards. There were just a few of them tucked in here and there. These fell into two categories: vapidly upbeat or schmaltzily sympathetic.

I decided to fall back on an old standby: The Monkey Card Method. I can hear you all rolling your eyes out there in cyberspace*, but don't underestimate the power of this tried-and-true method of greeting card selection. Get the card with the most monkeys on it and you can't go wrong.

After searching for about ten minutes, I discovered a section of blank cards with various odd pictures on the fronts of them. One of these was a black and white shot of three monkeys playing bridge (I think it was bridge. The clothing the monkeys were wearing looked like the sort of clothing monkeys would play bridge in.)

This was perfect: no pastel flowers, no cheesy, factory-assembled sentiment, just monkeys and plenty of room for me to write my own note.

There are only two flaws in the Monkey Card Method. It's not great for selecting cards for people one doesn't know well, and it's almost never appropriate for selecting a sympathy card.

*In cyberspace, everyone can hear you roll your eyes.

Seven's Brain

My Top 10 Thrifting Tips and Tricks

YES WE DID!!!

German Two-Way Prepositions

Verbs Past, Present and Future

Gremple: Systematizing German Verb Conjugation

Lemon Pasta, Potatoes and Cannellini: Adventures in Garlicky Goodness

Ausflippen und Das Jupiterprojekt

Sugar Sugar

McCain on Energy?

Badass Custom Decals

A Change of Pace

Want.

Fck Vwls

Rock That Bath Mat

Hello, Kitty?

Political Expression (and Equation)

Random Linkage

Hallo, Welt.

Fashion Emergency!

OFF!

Scurvy Dogs

Do You Speak English?

I Wanna Hold Your Hand - In India(?)

Who Wrote Your Childhood Favorites?

Madeleine L'Engle

Keepsake

Poll: Best Musical Retalliation?

Blueberry Muffins

LibraryThing

BANANAPHONE

I Cite You! I Cite You Some More!

Libertine

Heroes

This Blog is Rated PG

Erstes Post auf Deutsch (es ist nicht lang, oder sehr interessant, aber es ist auf Deutsch)

The Irresistible Pull of Argyle . . . And Skulls

Reduced Fat Wheat Thins - The Sweetest Thing?

Oldness

The Lied and Art Song Text Page

YouTubery - "A Fat Rant"

Radlershandythingy

My Inner Seventh Grader

Things I Learned In Germany - Part One - Fahrvergnuegen

Johnny Vera: Prom Queen

The Hamburg Complaint Choir

I Can't Think of a Title For This Post

New Cat Pending

lolcats!

Mind Your Nooks and Crannies

On Software

Epic Movie

Ah, Geekishness

Polkaboy!

Fritos, Tab, Monkeys

*SNIFF*

Sushi

Kodachrome

The (Potentially) Burning Question

The Ants Are My Friends . . .

The Monkey Card Method

SNIFF