The Monkey Card Method

I know people who are absolute geniuses at choosing the perfect greeting card for any occasion. My stepmom sends cards for Halloween and Thanksgiving as well as Christmas and birthdays. My mom sends tender, sweet cards to which she adds her own heartfelt sentiments. My dad's cards are always delightfully crass.

It's my dad's model that I usually follow. I've no patience for the racks and racks of drippy, schmaltzy, insincere cardboard sentiment conveyance devices crowding the aisles of my local Hallmark. None of them have any personality.

I ventured into the greeting card aisles at my local Target last night with the usual trepidation. This time, I was after a get-well card for my mom. There was no section of get-well cards. There were just a few of them tucked in here and there. These fell into two categories: vapidly upbeat or schmaltzily sympathetic.

I decided to fall back on an old standby: The Monkey Card Method. I can hear you all rolling your eyes out there in cyberspace*, but don't underestimate the power of this tried-and-true method of greeting card selection. Get the card with the most monkeys on it and you can't go wrong.

After searching for about ten minutes, I discovered a section of blank cards with various odd pictures on the fronts of them. One of these was a black and white shot of three monkeys playing bridge (I think it was bridge. The clothing the monkeys were wearing looked like the sort of clothing monkeys would play bridge in.)

This was perfect: no pastel flowers, no cheesy, factory-assembled sentiment, just monkeys and plenty of room for me to write my own note.

There are only two flaws in the Monkey Card Method. It's not great for selecting cards for people one doesn't know well, and it's almost never appropriate for selecting a sympathy card.

*In cyberspace, everyone can hear you roll your eyes.